


You will always be worth holding on to.

by sekaisy



Category: EXO (Band)
Genre: Light Angst, M/M, Oh Sehun-centric, and dumb, mentions of chanyeol, okay this might not be light angst, sehun is sad :(
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-08
Updated: 2019-04-08
Packaged: 2020-01-07 02:53:47
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,304
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18401678
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sekaisy/pseuds/sekaisy
Summary: Sehun never thought it would reach this level, his love for jongin keeps building up and up and up it started to overwhelm him, sehun is drowning in jongin, he’s filled with him, every bits of him craves for jongin and his affection, jongin and his smiles, jongin and his whines and pouts, jongin and his caring personality, jongin, jongin, jongin. He loves him.





	You will always be worth holding on to.

**Author's Note:**

> hi,  
> i don't even know what to say, it's my first fic (altho i've posted it before but got insecure and deleted it lol)  
> i just hope you enjoy it??? my writing is mediocre i know and i don't even know why i'm posting this huh.  
> but alas,,, i hope somebody will enjoy it.
> 
> also, English is not my first language, so sorry for any mistake you guys see through this mess i didn't even edit it.

sehun loves jongin.  


  


Sehun loves jongin, sehun loves jongin. sehun loves jongin's smile, sehun loves the way jongin seems to brighten up the place whenever he smiles, sehun loves the way jongin's eyes disappear when he smiles, sehun loves jongin's loud laugh -cackles as he must say too-, he loves jongin’s whines whenever he doesn’t get what he wants. Sehun loves jongin's dimples, loves the way they carve his cheeks.

 

Sehun loves jongin's lithe body, and how it seems so tall, and how his shoulders are broad, and how his legs go endlessly. Sehun loves jongin's hands, and how they seem so, so inviting to hold, sehun bets jongin's hands would fit his perfectly, if they -ever- held hands, sehun also loves jongin's jammed fingernail, sehun loves it, think it's cute and special.

 

Sehun loves jongin when he plays with his dogs, loves jongin's adoration for them, the way he holds unconditional love for them. Sehun loves the way jongin's lips naturally form a pout, loves it when jongin talks and talks and talks, he looks adorable, sehun wants to hear him talk for hours non stop, sehun never gets bored of the way jongin forms words.

 

Sehun loves how jongin's expressions change from his usual soft, pouty, sleepy look, to the smoldering, dark, sultry look when he's so deep into the choreography, so deep into the music, when he transforms from jongin to kai. Sehun loves the way jongin seems to hunch, curve, disappear into himself in shyness when people praise him, the difference startles sehun, how can a human be this . Sehun.. sehun loves jongin. Sehun loves jongin.  
  
  
  
Sehun adores jongin, sehun adores him so much, sehun adores the way he sulks when someone teases him, sehun adores him in the morning when he's sleepy and clingy, sehun adores it when jongin leans his head on sehun's shoulders.

 

Sehun adores jongin's eyes, and how they hold the whole universe in them, sehun adores it when jongin's eyes catch his own, it gives him an illusion. Sehun adores it when jongin is in his element, when he dances, sehun adores the way jongin's body seems to be as light as a feather when he dances, sehun adores jongin's passion towards dance. Sehun adores jongin.    
  
  
  
Sehun thinks jongin is otherworldly, sehun thinks jongin is the pretties being on the face of earth, sehun thinks that jongin's voice.. with its deep but yet soft, warm, calming tones came from the depths of heaven. Sehun also thinks that jongin's skin is beautiful. His bronze, glistening, warm skin, sehun thinks it's made of gold.  
  
  
  
Sehun wants, sehun wants a lot of things. Sehun wants to wake up in the morning with jongin by his side, sehun wants jongin to be the first thing he sees in the morning, wants to see his body stretched along his bed, wants to hold jongin in his arms, wants to glide his fingers through jongin's silky hair, wants to remove that stray lock of hair that fell on jongin's face, he seems bothered by it.

 

Sehun wants to feel jongin, to feel jongin's plump lips when he kisses him, wants to bite them, wants to shower jongin's face with pecks, wants to see if jongin is going to scrunch his nose when he does that or not. sehun wants to show jongin his love, sehun wants, he wants, wants, wants. without tiring, he wants.  
  
  
  
sehun loves jongin, he loves him so much, so much that he sometimes, can't even look at jongin without being breathless, without being so obvious, without his eyes exposing the fond look(s) he always, always, without failing seems to give jongin. sehun loves– no, adores jongin. it's hard, to love jongin. to live in the same place with him without being so obvious. to watch jongin, every day, every week, every month, every year. be his friend while trying to press down on his heart, to not be so obvious, to stop this, to get over him, it's hard. it's so hard, because jongin, jongin.. jongin is the nicest person sehun ever known, and whenever sehun thinks he can't love jongin anymore than he already does, jongin looks at him, with that beautiful smile of his, with his warm voice, with his bright eyes, and sehun falls and falls and falls in the depth of jongin's love.  
  
  
  
sehun is scared. sehun is scared because jongin- his beautiful jongin- doesn't love him.

 

sehun has lucid dreams.  
  
  
  
Sehun dreams of jongin, he seems to do that a lot. He always wonders if it's because he's in love, that he dreams of the center of his world, his affection, the person who's in his mind all the time?  
  
Sehun hopes not. Sehun is hurting. Sehun is hurting a lot.  
  
  
  
Sehun dreams of jongin, all kinds of dreams.  
  
Sehun dreams of jongin, of them, simply laying on the bed,with his head pillowed on jongin’s chest, jongin, leaning on the headboard, quietly reading a book, carding his finger through sehun's hair, absentmindedly humming to a song, lulling sehun and calming him down, the dream was good, sehun thinks. It's one of the soft ones.  
  
  
  
  
  
Sehun also dreams of jongin, surrounded by nature, jongin on the beach, jongin in the park, playing with his dogs, jongin dancing in a flower field, jongin, jongin, jongin. there are a lot of jongin(s) in his dreams, sehun can't say that he's against that.  
  
  
  
  
  
Sehun dreams of jongin in different places, different situations, different outfits, different hair colors, different sehun(s), but always the same smile, always the same bright eyes, always the same love, always the same affection, always jongin, jongin, jongin. His beautiful, beautiful, jongin.  
  
Sehun doesn't want to wake up.  
  
  
  
sehun once had a dream. a vivid dream, it almost felt real. Jongin was in it, he looked beautiful, as he always does. Sehun loves this particular dream, jongin looked soft in it, sehun loves it when jongin gets all soft with him. They were hanging out -a date, as sehun likes to think so, because it's his dream and he's allowed to think of it as a date-.

Sehun loves it because jongin loves him in it, he confessed to sehun, about his unconditional love towards him, about how he thinks of sehun all the time, of how he wants to hold, kiss, adore, love him. And how he wished sehun to feel the same. Dream sehun was overwhelmed, was so happy he cried.

 

Dream sehun doesn't know that he's projecting real sehun wishes.  
  
  
  
Jongin, on sehun's bed. Jongin, naked on sehun's bed. Jongin, whining and begging for sehun's attention, legs spread and face flushed, breath hitching. Sehun, admiring him. Sehun, wrapping jongin's legs around his waist, biting jongin's neck, marking jongin. Jongin, warning him, jongin, climaxing, eyes rolling, thighs shaking, chest, neck, face, ears, dusted with a beautiful flush.

 

Sehun, wrapping himself around jongin, sehun caressing jongin's skin, shushing him, whispering sweet nothings into jongin's ears. Sehun, finishing, taking care of jongin, wiping the remaining of their mess, their love, sehun loves jongin, sehun kisses jongin's bruising hips, sehun kisses him all over his face, on his eyelids, on his cheeks, on his lips, he hopes these kisses can translate how much love he’s holding for jongin in him, he hopes.

Sehun is content, happy, in love. The feeling is unreal, sehun is on cloud nine, sehun is drowning in this feeling, sehun is breathless, sehun is addicted to jongin. Sehun wakes up.  
  
  
  
Another dream. It's a bad one, sehun is in a dark place, a big, spacious, endless, fogged area. Sehun sees jongin, sweet, lovely, jongin. Sehun calls him.. Sehun calls him again, but there's no answer, jongin doesn't hear him, doesn't notice him, doesn't even acknowledge his existence. Sehun panics, sehun tries to run towards jongin, but jongin seems to get further and further away from him, sehun can't catch up, sehun runs and runs and runs but he can't— he can't get a hold on jongin. Jongin disappears, fades, no longer there, only the sounds of his laughs remain, sehun wakes up.

Sehun hates that dream.

Sehun hates that it affects him a lot. Sehun wishes it doesn't become real.  
  
  
  
Sehun dreams, sehun wakes up, sehun wishes he never dreams, sehun wishes that he'll be asleep forever, dream forever, and not to wake up, not to face the reality, the world, the heartbreak, the disappointment, of how all his dreams are lies.

 

Sehun wishes not to be pathetic, not to dream of jongin, not to love him in all of them, sehun wishes for the day when he'll look back at current sehun and laugh at how stupid and deep in love he was.

Sehun wishes to get over this. Sehun wants to live, not to choke up on this love.

 

sehun wonders  
  
  
  
  
  
It's one of the calm days, sehun lazing around his apartment, thinking of what to do next while getting ready for his daily morning bath time, maybe clean up his apartment, or cook something for himself, sehun wouldn't try the latter, he remembers the last time he tried to cook something, it wasn't a very successful try.

 

Sehun wonders what jongin is doing now, but quickly brushes off the thought, today is a sehun day! sehun will -at least- try not to think of love and heartbreaks and jongin, but as soon as that thought came up to his mind, a train of thoughts start to rain on his mind, sehun sighs, defeated.

  


Sehun gives up on trying to distract his brain, it was a useless thing to do. After all, jongin is on sehun's mind all the time, he can't get rid of him, every corner of sehun's apartment holds something related to jongin in them, like the bear slippers that are next to his at the apartment entrance, or jongin's comic books that are on sehun's bookshelf next to his own collection of books, or the mug that he specially bought for jongin to use whenever he's over, or jongin's clothes that are scattered inside sehun's closet, or that practical tea brand that only jongin drinks in his kitchen, or the toothbrush, the shampoo, the body wash, the yellow towel, or, or, or, or...

  


sehun's apartment is full of jongin, sehun wonders when did all of this happen, jongin is hidden in every corner of this lonely place, sehun thinks it makes it more bearable to live, makes this dull place brighten up, makes it painful to stop thinking of jongin living within him. Sehun wonders when did this mess start to hurt so much. Sehun doesn't want to know what the thoughts will lead him for, doesn't want to think of jongin in his apartment, doesn't want to feed his greedy feelings anymore, doesn't want to hope, sehun just want to rest, just wants to forget, even if it's just a mere day of living without the burden and heaviness of this love.  
  
  
  
Sehun wonders, sehun wonders and wonders, he never stops wondering, never stops hoping, never stops the feelings from growing, never stop falling for jongin more, never stops the butterflies in his stomach from fluttering, never stops how his body naturally gravitates towards jongin, never stops the fond looks, never stops loving, sehun never stops the heaviness of his heart when he comes back from a day filled with jongin, never stop replaying the memories of jongin, never stops the tears from falling, never stops looking back at jongin's smiles, jongin looked so happy today, with his fluffy jacket and his fluffy hair, and his soft eyes and soft everything.  
  
  
  
Sehun didn't want to get out from his apartment today because he was exhausted, he was tired, he wanted to rest, but jongin called, jongin and his warm voice, asking sehun to go with him to a café he recently discovered and oh how much he wants sehun to check their drinks, and how much sehun would like them, jongin says even though he doesn't like coffee, he tried a latte and he liked it, he wants sehun to come with him. "pretty please sehun, i know you like to bury yourself in whatever case you have but spare me, your favorite friend, a few hours to check the place???" sehun can't say no, he can't, sehun is doomed, sehun is whipped, sehun is in love. He agrees, of course he would, this is jongin we're talking about, sehun doesn't like to hear jongin's disappointed respond if he rejects him, sehun can't handle the guilt that'll come with it. Sehun went and sehun fell in love more and more and more.

Sehun came back, sehun's apartment is dark and dull and empty, but jongin's happiness and laugh are still clinging to him like a second skin so he doesn't feel the emptiness he always feels whenever he returns home.

Sehun wonders if he'll ever get a rest from this love.  
  
  
  
Sehun wonders if jongin is carved deep down within the depths of his heart.

Sehun wonders if he'd be able to get rid of it. Sehun.. sehun doesn't want it to stop even if it hurts.

Sehun notices things, they’re small things, really.. but sehun notices.

  


Jongin, although he’s on his phone all the time, seems to spend more time on said phone, sometimes his phone distracts him from conversations with sehun, sometimes he directs his smiles to the device, laughs at something on the phone. Siren lights are wailing in sehun’s head, he’s so used to being the person who makes jongin laugh that dumb laugh it kind of gave him a shock not be the reason of it, this is unsettling, sehun decides, and no, sehun is 100% not jealous of whoever seems to be taking jongin’s time, sehun is not jealous, ’keep telling yourself that’ a voice in his head says, sehun internally scoffs, he ignores that voice, whatever, sehun deems this gathering to be ruined, he faces jongin, face set in a blank look.

Jongin doesn't notice him at first, still on his phone, giggling like a kid, and oh, he’s blushing, jongin is blushing??? he’s blushing!! sehun is panicking, what made jongin blush???? Sehun is afraid.  
  
  
It’s not until sehun japs jongin’s side with his fingers that jongin notices him, a smile still tugged on his lips. Sehun clears his throat “so,” he pauses “can you please leave your phone for a second and help me defeat Baekhyun and Jongdae in their dumb game, i need to prove them i’m more than capable of winning against them.”

Sehun does not feel guilty, no he doesn't, he deserves jongin’s attention, whoever is messaging jongin can fuck off, sehun is jongin's best friend, so, it's his priority to give sehun the attention he deserves, but sehun feels selfish, to take all jongin’s time.

Jongin is still smiling, he closes his phone “sorry that was Chanyeol, he keeps sending me dumb memes, I can't help but to reply with dumber ones.” ah, chanyeol.. jongin’s not so said boyfriend, god no, sehun is not jealous, he’s not, he’s a grown man who can handle it when jongin is in a relationship, he won't cause a scene and he won't sulk, he’s so used to this and it doesn't actually affect him anymore.

He stays silent and passes jongin the controller, he can sulk about this when Jongin leaves and his only company is his thoughts, Sehun hopes they won’t wander much to the point where it’s going to hurt.  
  
  
  
Sehun notices.

he can't stop noticing.  
  
  
  
Sehun notices Jongin’s everything.  
  
  
  
The scene in front of him makes his heart ache. God, sehun hates himself for ever thinking that he could get over jongin, His heart aches and clenches and he feels like he’s going to puke the discomfort and jealousy out because they’re drowning him, they’re choking him and sehun can’t breath, The lump in his throat doesn't seem to go away even when he swallowed over it multiple times, sehun is a mess.  
  
Jongin is babysitting his niece and He invited chanyeol and they’re now playing with the kid. The scene is so domestic and lovely sehun can't help but to feel like an outsider, sitting alone on the couch and watching them play and entertain kid, sehun can’t disturb their bubble, they look so happy, He would only annoy them if he interfered the moment, why did jongin bother to invite him too when he’s going to ignore him?!

 

Sehun is jealous of chanyeol, why does the man has to be so good? sehun can’t hate him, there’s no reason to hate him, the man is nice and polite it’s so painful to force himself to hate chanyeol.

Sehun hates that he’s so weak, he can’t help but to watch them with envy, wanting so bad to be in chanyeol’s place. Sehun is a coward.  
  
  
  
Sehun is afraid of losing jongin, afraid of jongin knowing how sehun feels towards him. Sehun worries if jongin is going to be disgusted by him, even with knowing that jongin could never think of him in that way. Sehun can’t help but live in a constant state of fear because it’s getting out of control, his feelings, his love, sehun can’t contain so much love inside his body without letting it out, without being so, so, so painfully obvious.

 

Sehun thinks that jongin must know, he must know how sehun feels, sehun is exposed, sehun can’t stop it from being so obvious, sehun thinks jongin is not acknowledging his feelings because he doesn't want to hurt sehun, because he doesn’t want to lose his bestfriend.    
  
  
  
  
  
  
Falling in love with your best friend whom you love and cherish, whom you see in all aspects of your life, Whom you can’t help but to feel hurt towards because you’re keeping secrets from them is the worst.

 

Falling in love with your best friend is the most heartbreaking thing a person could go through, in sehun’s opinion. Not being able to confess your love to said friend is worst, the constant fear and worry of loss surrounds him all the time, sehun can't help but choke on his feeling, afraid that one day his tongue would slip and he’ll finally get rid of the lump in his throat that is his feeling.

 

Sehun wants so badly to confess, but it’s useless, when jongin obviously doesn't love him. Sehun can see it, it’s so clear that jongin doesn't love him, not like how sehun loves him, sehun is so used to being the best friend, nothing less and nothing more. He doesn't want to get his hopes up by creating an illusion that jongin might love him, sehun is realistic, his life is not a movie, there is no happily ever after, there is no miracle that will suddenly make jongin love him back, this is reality, not fiction, This is what Sehun keeps telling himself.

 

He doesn't want to get hurt, but it’s useless since he’s hurting right now, sehun wants this to stop, He’s exhausted, He feels empty, He feels ruined. Love sucks out all of his energy, sehun can't handle this, He needs to stop.  
  
  
  
Sehun doesn't want to stop, He never wants to, He doesn't plan to, because this is jongin we’re talking about, and sehun doesn't want, in any way, to get rid of whatever he feels towards jongin, because he cherishes these feelings, although they bring him a lot of hurt and pain.

 

Sehun keeps loving Jongin, He never stops, never stops.

 

Sehun falls in love more, his heart breaks more, he cries more and he suffers more. Sehun hopes for the day where his heart will heal and where everything is going to be fine to come sooner. He hopes to heal and move on. He hopes.

 

**Author's Note:**

> give me ur opinion,, comments are appreciated <3 <3


End file.
